The Hypotheses Of Failure

O Henry

LAWYER GOOCH bestowed his undivided attention upon the engrossing arts of his

profession. But one flight of fancy did he allow his mind to entertain. He was fond of

likening his suite of office rooms to the bot- tom of a ship. The rooms were three in

number, with a door opening from one to another. These doors could also be closed.

"Ships," Lawyer Gooch would say, "are constructed for safety, with separate, water-tight

compartments in their bottoms. If one compartment springs a leak it fills with water; but

the good ship goes on unhurt. Were it not for the separating bulkheads one leak would

sink the vessel. Now it often happens that while I am occu- pied with clients, other

ha, ha!

The law is dry. Good jokes are few. Surely it might be permitted Lawyer Gooch to

mitigate the bore of briefs, the tedium of torts and the prosiness of processes with even

so light a levy upon the good property of humour.

Lawyer Gooch's practice leaned largely to the settle- ment of marital infelicities. Did

matrimony languish through complications, he mediated, soothed and arbi- trated. Did it

suffer from implications, he readjusted, defended and championed. Did it arrive at the

extremity of duplications, he always got light sentences for his clients.

But not always was Lawyer Gooch the keen, armed, wily belligerent, ready with his

two-edged sword to lop off the shackles of Hymen. He had been known to build up

Unprejudiced persons admitted that Lawyer Gooch received as big fees from these

revoked clients as would have been paid him had the cases been contested in court.

Prejudiced ones intimated that his fees were doubled. because the penitent couples

always came back later for the divorce, anyhow.

There came a season in June when the legal ship of Lawyer Gooch (to borrow his own

figure) was nearly becalmed. The divorce mill grinds slowly in June. It is the month of

Cupid and Hymen.

Lawyer Gooch, then, sat idle in the middle room of his clientless suite. A small

anteroom connected -- or rather separated -- this apartment from the hallway. Here was

stationed Archibald, who wrested from visitors their cards or oral nomenclature which

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Suddenly, on this day, there came a great knocking at the outermost door.

Archibald, opening it, was thrust aside as superfluous by the visitor, who without due

reverence at once pene- trated to the office of Lawyer Gooch and threw himself with

demeanour, vain beyond a doubt, slightly swaggering, ready and at ease. He was well-

clothed, but with a shade too much ornateness. He was seeking a lawyer; but if that fact

would seem to saddle him with troubles they were not patent in his beaming eye and

courageous air.

"My name is Gooch," at length the lawyer admitted. Upon pressure he would also have

confessed to the Phineas C. But he did not consider it good practice to volunteer

information. "I did not receive your card," he continued, by way of rebuke, "so I -- "

"I know you didn't," remarked the visitor, coolly; "And you won't just yet. Light up?" He

threw a leg over an arm of his chair, and tossed a handful of rich- hued cigars upon the

table. Lawyer Gooch knew the brand. He thawed just enough to accept the invitation to

connubiality. You are a surgeon, we might saw, who extracts Cupid's darts when he

shoots 'em into the wrong parties. You furnish patent, incandescent lights for premises

where the torch of Hymen has burned so low you can't light a cigar at it. Am I right, Mr.

Gooch?"

"I have undertaken cases," said the lawyer, guardedly, "in the line to which your

figurative speech seems to refer. Do you wish to consult me professionally, Mr. -- " The

lawyer paused, with significance.

"Not yet," said the other, with an arch wave of his cigar, "not just yet. Let us approach

the subject with the caution that should have been used in the original act that makes

this pow-wow necessary. There exists a matrimonial jumble to be straightened out. But

mind. The hypo- thetical goes. I'll state the case. Suppose there's a woman -- a deuced

fine-looking woman -- who has run away from her husband and home? She's badly

mashed on another man who went to her town to work up some real estate business.

Now, we may as well call this woman's husband Thomas R. Billings, for that's his name.

The Billingses lived in a little town called Susanville -- a good many miles from here.

the conceit of the lady-killer, the egoistic complacency of the successful trifler.

"Now," continued the visitor, "suppose this Mrs. Billings wasn't happy at home? We'll

say she and her husband didn't gee worth a cent. They've got incom- patibility to burn.

The things she likes, Billings wouldn't have as a gift with trading-stamps. It's Tabby and

Rover with them all the time. She's an educated woman in science and culture, and she

reads things out loud at meetings. Billings is not on. He don't appreciate pro- gress and

obelisks and ethics, and things of that sort. Old Billings is simply a blink when it comes

to such things. The lady is out and out above his class. Now, lawyer, don't it look like a

fair equalization of rights and wrongs that a woman like that should be allowed to throw

down Billings and take the man that can appreciate her?

"Incompatibility," said Lawyer Gooch, "is undoubt- edly the source of much marital

discord and unhappiness. Where it is positively proved, divorce would seem to be the

safely trust her future?"

her. When she gets a divorce, all legal and proper, Jessup the proper thing."

"And now," said Lawyer Gooch, "continuing the hypo- if you prefer, and supposing that

my services should ired in the case, what -- "

The client rose impulsively to his feet.

"Oh, dang the hypothetical business," he exclaimed, impatiently. "Let's let her drop, and

get down to straight talk. You ought to know who I am by this time. I want that woman

to have her divorce. I'll pay for it. The day you set Mrs. Billings free I'll pay you five

hundred dollars."

Lawyer Gooch's client banged his fist upon the table to punctuate his generosity.

turning business away.

Lawyer Gooch took client number one by the arm and led him suavely into one of the

return and resume our consultation with the least possible delay. I am rather expecting a

visit from a very wealthy old lady in connection with a will. I will not keep you waiting

long."

magazine. The lawyer returned to the middle office, carefully closing behind him the

wore robes -- robes; not clothes -- ample and fluent. In her eye could be per- ceived the

bushel, and an umbrella that also seemed to wear a robe, ample and fluent. She accepted

a chair.

"Are you Mr. Phineas C. Gooch, the lawyer?" she asked, in formal and unconciliatory

tones.

"I am," answered Lawyer Gooch, without circum- locution. He never circumlocuted

when dealing with a woman. Women circumlocute. Time is wasted when both sides in

debate employ the same tactics.

"As a lawyer, sir," began the lady, "you may have acquired some knowledge of the

human heart. Do you believe that the pusillanimous and petty conventions of our

heart when it finds its true mate among the miserable and worthless wretches in the

nor the editor of an 'Answers to the Lovelorn' column of a newspaper. I have other

"Well, you needn't get so stiff around the gills about it," said the lady, with a snap of her

luminous eves and a startling gyration of her umbrella. "Business is what I've come for.

I want your opinion in the matter of a suit for divorce, as the vulgar would call it, but

sihhted laws of man have interposed between a loving --"

"I beg your pardon, madam," interrupted Lawyer Gooch, with some impatience, "for

reminding you again that this is a law office. Perhaps Mrs. Wilcox -- "

"Mrs. Wilcox is all right," cut in the lady, with a hint of asperity. "And so are Tolstoi,

and Mrs. Gertrude Atherton, and Omar Khayyam, and Mr. Edward Bok. I've read 'em

-- "

"You wish to state a hypothetical case?" said Lawyer Gooch.

"I was going to say that," said the lady, sharply. "Now, suppose there is a woman who is

all soul and heart and aspirations for a complete existence. This woman has a husband

who is far below her in intellect, in taste -- in everything. Bah! he is a brute. He despises

literature. He sneers at the lofty thoughts of the world's great thinkers. He thinks only of

that this unfortunate wife one day meets with her ideal -a man with brain and heart and

I -- I mean can this lady I speak of get one that cheap?"

"Madam," said Lawyer Gooch, "your last two or three sentences delight me with their

intelligence and clearness. Can we not now abandon the hypothetical and come down to

names and business?"

"I should say so," exclaimed the lady, adopting the practical with admirable readiness.

"Thomas R. Bil- lings is the name of the low brute who stands between the happiness of

his legal -- his legal, but not his spiri- tual -- wife and Henry K. Jessup, the noble man

whom nature intended for her mate. I," concluded the client, with an air of dramatic

revelation, "am Mrs. Billings!"

"Gentlemen to see you, sir," shouted Archibald, invad- ing the room almost at a

handspring. Lawyer Gooch arose from his chair.

"Mrs. Billings," he said courteously, "allow me to conduct you into the adjoining office

With his accustomed chivalrous manner, Lawyer Gooch ushered his soulful client into

The next visitor introduced by Archibald was a thin, nervous, irritable-looking man of

middle age, with a worried and apprehensive expression of countenance. He carried in

one hand a small satchel, which he set down upon the floor beside the chair which the

to neatness or style, and appeared to be covered with the dust of travel.

"You make a specialty of divorce cases," he said, in, an agitated but business-like tone.

"I may say," began Lawyer Gooch, "that my prac- tice has not altogether avoided -- "

"I know you do," interrupted client number three. "You needn't tell me. I've heard all

will first take up hypothetical woman. We will say she is married uncon- genially. In

is devoted to what she calls literature -- poetry and prose, and such stuff. Her husband is

a plain man in the business walks of life. Their home has not been happy, although the

husband has tried to make it so. Some time ago a man -- a stranger -- came to the

peaceful town in which they lived and engaged in some real estate operations. This

became so open that the man felt the community to be no safe place for him, so he left

Lawyer Gooch delivered the cautious opinion that there was not.

"This man she has gone to join," resumed the visitor, "is not the man to make her happy.

It is a wild and foolish self-deception that makes her think he will. Her husband, in spite

of their many disagreements, is the only one capable of dealing with her sensitive and

peculiar nature. But this she does not realize now."

"Would you consider a divorce the logical cure in the case you present?" asked Lawyer

Gooch, who felt that the conversation was wandering too far from the field of business.

"A divorce!" exclaimed the client, feelingly - almost tearfully. "No, no-not that. I have

read, Mr. Gooch, of many instances where your sympathy and kindly inter- est led you

to act as a mediator between estranged hus- band and wife, and brought them together

again. Let us drop the hypothetical case -- I need conceal no longer that it is I who am

-- and Henry K. Jessup, the man with whom she is infatuated."

her lamentable folly. Tell her, Mr. Gooch, that her husband is willing to receive her back

of your success in these matters. Mrs. Bil- lings cannot be very far away. I am worn out

with travel and weariness. Twice during the pursuit I saw her, but various circumstances

prevented our having an inter- view. Will you undertake this mission for me, Mr.

Gooch, and earn my everlasting gratitude?"

"It is true," said Lawver Gooch, frowning slightly at the other's last words, but

immediately calling up an expression of virtuous benevolence, "that on a number of

occasions I have been successful in persuading couples who sought the severing of their

matrimonial bonds to think better of their rash intentions and return to their homes

reconciled. But I assure you that the work is often exceedingly difficult. The amount of

argument, perseverance, and, if I may be allowed to say it, eloquence that it requires

would astonish you. But this is a case in which my sympathies would be wholly

"I am aware of that," said the client, "and if you will take the case and persuade Mrs.

will pay you the sum of one thousand dollars. I have made a little money in real estate

"Retain your seat for a few moments, please," said Lawyer Gooch, arising, and again

consulting his watch. "I have another client waiting in an adjoining room whom I had

very nearly forgotten. I will return in the briefest possible space."

The situation was now one that fully satisfied Lawyer Gooch's love of intricacy and

compartments full, his ship of affairs could but sail on to the advantageous port of a

from some one of his anxious cargo.

First he called to the office boy: "Lock the outer door, Archibald, and admit no one."

Then he moved, with long, silent strides into the room in which client number one

waited. That gentleman sat, patiently scanning the pictures in the magazine, with a cigar

in his mouth and his feet upon a table.

"Well," he remarked, cheerfully, as the lawyer entered, "have you made up your mind?

Does five hundred dollars go for getting the fair lady a divorce?"

"You mean that as a retainer?" asked Lawyer Gooch, softly interrogative.

little real estate dicker down in Susanville. I'd do anything I could to free the lady, but it

out-sizes my pile."

"Could you stand one thousand two hundred dollars?" asked the lawyer, insinuatingly.

"Five hundred is my limit, I tell you. Guess I'll have to hunt up a cheaper lawyer." The

client put on his hat.

"Out this way, please," said Lawyer Gooch, opening the door that led into the hallway.

As the gentleman flowed out of the compartment and down the stairs, Lawyer Gooch

smiled to himself. "Exit Mr. Jessup," he murmured, as he fingered the Henry Clay tuft

dollars if I bring about, or am instrumental in bringing about, the return of Mrs. Billings

has conceived such a violent fancy. Also that the case is now unreservedly in my hands

"Entirely", said the other, eagerly. And I can produce the cash any time at two hours'

notice."

sought the arm- holes of his vest. Upon his face was a look of sym- pathetic benignity

husband's unfaltering love. Mrs. Billinos, sir, is here -- in that room -- the lawyer's long

Lawyer Gooch paused, for client number three had leaped from his chair as if propelled

by steel springs, and clutched his satchel.

"What the devil," he exclaimed, harshly, "do vou mean? That woman in there! I thought

I shook her off forty miles back."

He ran to the open window, looked out below, and threw one leg over the sill.

"Stop!" cried Lawyer Gooch, in amazement. "What would you do? Come, Mr. Billings,

and face your erring but innocent wife. Our combined entreaties cannot fail to -- "

upon which he had dropped from the second-story window. Without stopping to collect

with prodigious celerity until the surrounding building swallowed him up from view.

Lawyer Gooch passed his hand tremblingly across his brow. It was a habitual act with

him, serving to clear his thoughts. Perhaps also it now seemed to soothe the spot where

The satchel lay upon the floor, wide open, with its con- tents spilled about.

Mechanically, Lawyer Gooch stooped to gather up the articles. The first was a collar;

and the omniscient eye of the man of law perceived, wonder- ingly, the initials H.K.J.

marked upon it. Then came a comb, a brush, a folded map, and a piece of soap. lastly, a

handful of old business letters, addressed -- every one of them -- to "Henry K. Jessup,

Esq."

"Archibald," he said mildly, as he opened the hall door, "I am going around to the

lady who is waiting there that" -- here Lawyer Gooch made use of the vernacular -- "that